Bittersweet Depression

I was doing good... I mean I was really doing good. I was sleeping peacefully through the night. I wasn't analyzing every aspect of my life. I was finally accepting the fact that I am a 25 year old woman who is without a significant other. I don't know about you but I was always used to having a boyfriend. Having someone to be there when you get off of work to take you home. Having the feeling of that strong protective hug that lets you know that everything is going to be ok. I know, I know... Im only 25 right? Well 25 to me is like the new 35 these days. My biological clock is tick tick ticking away in this department. Like I said I was doing ok until last night...

I was laying down watching I Am Legend. *sidebar... Will Smith did the damn thing in that movie... thought it was gonna be corny but he looked good and he did the damn thing.* My phone started making noise and it was picture mail. I looked at the name and it said Bruce. First of all, who the fuck is Bruce Im thinking. But he had to be in my phone list since his name came up. Came to the conclusion that it was some random dude I no longer talk to. So I checked the picture mail and upon my screen I see a finger with a ring on it and the message said "Im engaged!!!!" Ok Bruce has a ring on his finger??? Cant be right. So I looked at the phone # it was sent from and it was my best childhood friend who sent it. *sidebar... Sprint is famous for somehow putting another name from your contact list on a different #... I dont get it.*

I forced a smile on my face through clinched teeth... but I got the smile out. I know that sounds bad... she is one of my closest friends since we were about 10 years old. Trust me, I was ecstatic for her... she really deserves a great man and that is what she has. But damn that picture!! Damn it to hell!!! Why did it have to happen in the midst of me accepting being by my damn self???!?? So of course my brain gets to thinking about the future... Am I gonna be the only one out of my friends to be single at 30 years old??? Will all my friends be all loved up with their little husbands and I will be the one that their husbands try to hook up their broke ass friend with???? I dont want to be that girl. I just dont want to be that girl. Women my age always say, " Its ok to be single cuz I can do bad by my damn self." I must admit I have lived by that saying for a while. But for real at 30 years and up Ima want not to be single and I will do bad by myself and with another nigga if need be cuz thats how ima need it to be. Ive seen first hand the affects of being a single woman over 30... its depressing.

All in all Im ok. I am happy for my friend and just hope that one fine day I will feel the same happiness... I better.

My Very First Time....

I always have a story to tell.... It never fails... my life is a walking filmstrip... there is always something. No matter how short or long my story is people I tell it to always say, to know avail,(until now), you need to write cuz you tell a great ass story. Well I got tired of hearing it so hear I am. Believe it or not just until a few weeks ago I didn't really know what damn blog was... one of my girlfriends said she was starting hers, asked her what it was and was still a lil confused... LOL. Well now I know and again, here I am. Wow I am a virgin to this... its just crazy to me... well whoever decides to take their precious time to join me in my quest of crazy, lovely, hurtful, embarrassing, and whatever else escapades I've been through and experienced... Welcome. Im glad I was able to pop your Imsoalmondie escapade cherry :) Since this is my very first time it made me think of my very first time....

11 years ago I fell in love with a now known dickhead... but I loved him. We were young and he left his then girlfriend, my then best friend now known as somebody I aint talk to in years, to be with me... but I loved him. *sidebar... we were young I would never do that to one of my friends this day in age.* Damn I loved that boy... still have love for him to this day. Anyway about 3 years into our relationship I decided I was ready to give him all of me. I know... Im thinking now like, damn he waited 3 years to get some?! Yes the nigga did. Now did he wait without dippin and dabbin... i dont think so but he swears he did. Swears he was gonna be my first and I was gonna be his. He still swears that up and down til this very day. HA! Dont beat me in the head with the bullshit.

I was the "Im scared.. how does that thing fit in there.. I cant watch him put it in it looks painful" type of girls. I mean I would even try to watch a porno just to get me ready for the action... I would throwup a lil muffin in my mouth trying to watch... couldnt do it. So of course when I was ready, he tried... I screamed. He tried again... I screamed again. So we had a lil schedule where everyday after school I would go to his house and he would put a lil more in each day... the screams did not stop. Finally I buckled down and got gangsta and was like, " Come on now... u love him and he wouldn't hurt u... right?"

D'angelo's Untitled: How Does It Feel was playing in the backround on repeat... I swear it played about 11 times... he still aint get the whole thing in. Next thing I know... it was in... it was in... the whole thing was in... my eyes were clinched sooo tight air could not get in and a tear could not escape if it tried. By around the 13th run of How Does It Feel it was all over. WHAT?! I was just getting used to it and it was over... that fast. He all sweating on me talking some, "I love u gurl, I love you." "I love u too," I mustered. What else could I say? Yeah I was upset cuz I went thru all that pain and a-go-nee for 6 minutes of pleasure. But I did mean it when I said it if that means anything. Soon as I got up I went to the bathroom walking like I had pants around my ankles, like something was still stuck up in there. I was scared to pee I didnt know what else would come out. When I came out the bathroom I went in his mom's room and she looked at me and said "You's a Woman Now" and gave me a hug. I just looked at her and laughed like lady I am in pain and we in Philly not on the plantation in Virginia!... if this is what being a woman feels like, take me back to the good ole days of being a girl! Well I am a woman now and I have been thru waaayyyy more pain than my very first time.